No Country for Old Men - Review

I just saw No Country for Old Men recently and felt inclined to write a review for it. The fact that this movie won Best Picture at the Oscars is also what sparks my feelings of both happiness and disappointment.

I really got sucked into the movie at the beginning, it started out very interesting. I liked the setting, Texas circa 1980, and felt the actors all did a great job of making you feel as if you were immersed back into that era. Josh Brolin was very believable as the hero, who had his faults but very logical and inherently good. Javier Bardem was a great villain, really played that part well. The introduction of Woody Harrelson's and Tommy Lee Jones' characters was equally intriguing.

Everything was going great for me until ... SPOILER ALERT ... it seemed that there was a very anti-climactic build-up towards the latter half of the film. Woody Harrelson goes out, well like a bitch. Very disappointing after his overly confident actions up until that point. I can live with a little irony, but it gets worse. Much worse.

At the beginning of the film, it was interesting to see the aftermath of a drug deal gone bad. Dead bodies and spent ammunition everywhere, they even killed the dog (yes I threw that in from a line from the movie, heh heh). But then to basically, barely see the tail end of a similar battle that ends up offing our hero (you don't even get to see this I might add) was very displeasing. You really felt as if he was on a one-man mission to kill the assassin at all costs. Such a let down.

Then, onto what looked to be the final showdown between Tommy Lee Jones and the baddie, with a very dramatic buildup of him slowly entering the hotel room with Javier Bardem's character clutching his bad ass silencer equipped shotgun in the shadows.....then nothing yet again. No face-off. And to end the movie with some random car accident that injures Javier Bardem pretty bad, to which he walks off down the street. All this after tieing up a loose end and killing poor Kelly Macdonald's character Carla Jean.

What really prompts me to write such a negative review is based on the fact that I feel this movie could have been much better (in my non-Oscar awards effecting opinion) had it followed more of a satisfying yet still honest and believable path. Maybe all the good guys don't need to live in the end and all the bad guys get punished, but dish out a little bit of cold hard justice to leave the audience more satisfied. There was no closure. Just random events that you sometimes got to witness. Maybe I just expect to be entertained slightly more at a basic, caveman level than to be left with a piece of interesting and unique art to be appreciated at face value. I don't regret having watched the movie, but when the credits rolled, I couldn't help but feel a bit cheated.

Untitled

Titles are overrated. Who needs a title anyway. Titles lead to misconception. People should just start reading something and form their own title. Sure, if you want to try and trick someone into reading something, slap a fancy smancy title on it to lure them in. This could lead to disappointment however. Why take that chance?

I prefer to just to let well enough alone. If the story sucks, then there is no disappointment (other than lost time). At least there was no build up of excitement. There was no false pretense. You weren’t reading through something with it in the back of your mind trying to fit the title to the story.

Sometimes movies think they are all clever and such by subtly throwing in the title of the movie somewhere once in the dialogue. As if I’m going to get goosebumps or something from it. Bah!

Movies should just come out at the theater, no marketing, no advertisement, no trailers. You should just drive by one day and see “New Movie” up on the marquee. Then go buy the ticket, sit down and wonder what it is all about. Sales might even increase, because by trial and error, you would have to sit through all the movies just to get to one you enjoyed.

There should also be fake-movies too. Like, buy your ticket, sit down, and nothing ever happens. Then 15 minutes or so after the start time has passed, something comes up on the screen and says “Surprise sucker…try again!”

That would be great. It would keep people on their toes. Inspire critical thinking. Maybe society would even grow more intelligent. We’d be more weary in general. People’s perception levels would increase. Sure we’d be all jumpy and flighty, but muggings would decrease. People would walk around looking wide-eyed and shifty, suspicious of everyone and everything.

Even animals would pick up on this. They sense fear you know. We’d have to battle squirrels and wild turkeys on our way to the store. They’d sense our apprehension and confusion and attack.

What a wonderful world this could be. All stemming from removing titles from books, movies, articles, etc. Take them away. And no cover art either. Plain gray covers, nothing else. In fact, TV should be nothing but a gray screen. No sound, nothing. We could then use our imaginations. TV is too easily distracting as it is. Someone could sneak up and stab you with a shoe horn or something because of some catchy Tide commercial.

Speaking of products, we should remove all labels from store bought goods as well. Is it cereal or dishwasher detergent? Who knows, buy a couple just in case.

I’m telling you, life would be so much better without all the unnecessary noise and distractions. People would be on their toes. Probably punch each other at random over jumpiness and such. Let’s all do our part to make this dream come true!

Yield!

I recently returned from a trip down south, and let’s just say I am not the most patient, loveable driver. In at least 5 of the 7 states I passed through on my round trip down 77S and back up the coast on 95N, PROMINENTLY posted few miles or so is a very direct message….”SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT” In fact, in Pennsylvania, they even go as far as to post “KEEP RIGHT, PASS LEFT. IT’S THE LAW”

It is amazing how many people out there cannot grasp this SIMPLE concept. Did I alone take some uniquely cruel driving test which included a series of much harder, more logical questions on it? It seems that most of the people on the road have no concept of order or consistency. Also falling into this category of evil bastardness are the following:

Leapfroggers. People who pass you, get back in the right lane in front of you, then slow down. Often when you have to brake to deactivate your cruise control, then get over when it’s clear to pass them, they will speed back up. Or, you pass someone who then tailgates you for a while, decides to pass you, slows down, repeat sequence. CRUISE CONTROL PEOPLE! Pick a speed you feel comfortable driving at, and be consistent!

Left Lane Guardians. The ones who will drive for miles on the highway in the left lane (usually right at the speed limit), with no other souls in sight needing to be passed. Enough said.

Fake Passers. People (often semi’s) who attempt to pass someone, only to slow down and ride side-by-side with them for long stretches (other car, in fact, may be a leap frogger), then eventually fall back and change lanes again behind the person. Long train of waiting cars in left lane may now proceed. Thank you.

Racers. Those imbeciles who will - at all costs - prevent you from passing them. Speeding up at any sign of your attempt at over-taking them, then slowing back down when it is impossible to safely pass. Often will refuse to get into the right lane on clear stretches of no traffic, speeding up until next to another car, then slowing down again. What do they hope to win? My wrath?

Granted, I am a miserable sunofabitch while driving and often take personally the unconscious quirks of the people around me. I just try to be very consistent with my speed and yield without a grudge to those who wish to pass me (and hopefully keep going). It is very rare that I truly feel someone is purposely out to ruin my day. This does not, however, stop me from wanting to rip someone out of their driver’s side window at 70 MPH, and then “tattooing” the phrase “SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT” in mirror image on their forehead with the white hot end of a snipped coat hanger. Then perhaps the next time they are curiously annoyed while looking in their rearview mirror at the person tailgating and flashing them from behind, maybe they will read my kind message and a spark of realization will ignite in their feeble mind. Doubtful. Hood-mounted, twin Gatlin guns. This is my next project.

Broken Glass

Well, our patio doors are in desperate need of repair....so yesterday I attempted to take one out of the track to see what kind of wheels I would need to buy for the bottom. Damn if it wasn't being stubborn and needed a little force to get it out. Well, I accidentally twisted the frame and CRACK there goes the glass. It didn't shatter, but it broke up real nice within the frame, large shards hanging slightly outward. So I put some gloves on and removed the glass, then used a hammer in the driveway to break it up into smaller pieces I could put into a doubled up trash bag. That was a pretty loud process.

So now we have a nice piece of plastic taped to the opening. Have to lock our back doors at night leading into the porch whereas before we just left them open. Our cats miss hanging out there now at night. Have to find out how much this is going to be to replace, not that we have any extra money :( . Feel free to Paypal me any money if you have any laying around, heh heh. I could use a new digital movie camera as well while we're at it.

Anyway, I think we have broken a LOT of glass since we moved into our house. Between us and our friends, here is a short list: glass patio door, Nambe® glass bowl (chipped from a strong gust of wind that knocked a painting into it and it fell to the floor from our mantle), crystal champagne flute (wedding gift...not cheap), martini glass, Planter's Peanut jar (not that we were saving it, just mentioning because it was glass), drinking glass (busted from ice machine on fridge)...possibly more, I'll update in the Comments as new glass breaks. And please, stop emailing me constantly for updates on this blog....I know the comments sections fill up pretty quickly...and it is a lot of information to sift through, but trust me I read it all.

Repressed Omnipotence?

You ever get the feeling that you are an ageless, omnipotent being who grew bored of the lack of excitement and surprises in your existence? Perhaps you decided to live one mortal life with no knowledge of your higher powers and no abiltiy to access them. Perhaps you should think about this the next time you cross my path. Be friendly or I may smite your soul somewhere in the cosmic future.

Nothing Good to Say

I should be working right now. I am at work, logically this should imply expected productivity. No one wants to pay someone to sit on their ass all day. Well, maybe an undercover cop posing as a bum in an undercover hooker sting operation would be paid to sit there on a bench all day. But at least they are also being paid to be alert to the situation. Ready to spring out and nab those Johns.

Speaking of undercover hooker sting operations, maybe they should just recruit hobos and transients to help bust those working gals. Or would that be a conflict of interest? It might backfire though, some of those vagabonds may actually be the pimp, posing undercover as a bum. You could really get into some double-secret-counter-agent type situations. You could recruit a bum to be an informant, who could actually be the pimp posing as the bum in the first place. Or, maybe the pimp is also the working girl dressed up like a man, posing as the pimp/bum but in actuality is working for herself, and also being asked to inform on herself and friends.

I think I'll drop this speculation right now and reflect upon the title of this post and agree with it.

Elevator Etiquette

I could take the title of this post in a whole other direction, and maybe I'll come back to this...but for this particular entry...

I was riding up in the elevator today on my way into work. Another guy also got in, just having finished working out in our building's fitness center. I noticed his collar was slightly up in the back exposing his tie. Normally, my first instinct is to not bother getting involved with something like this - why should I care, I don't know him. Then I thought, why not let the poor guy know (or maybe he's not anal like me and could care less). So I broke out of my public stranger shell and said "Your collar is sticking up slightly in the back". He immediately fixed it and made a funny comment about that not being the only thing wrong with him, thanked me, then we got to his floor and he departed. I felt better having positively contributed to someone's life. Why aren't more people as openly polite as I had just been. Maybe most are and I am the one needing a little fine tuning. Maybe next I will become a missionary and help refugees in Uganda. Or not.

Interesting Introductions

I thought it would be a neat idea to come up with several different openings for a possible story/book/movie and see which ones sounded more interesting. Please comment on which of the following tales you would like to hear more about.

INTRO 1:

Makalvia is a dark and desolate city. Plotted at the rocky banks of the western Mediterranean sea, Malkavia is home to many different cultures. To say that the citizens of Malkavia do not live in harmony would be an understatement. In the last five hundred years alone, claim to this land has switched hands a dozen or so times between its neighboring countries. Officially, Malkavia doesn't exist.

It is early evening, cold and unforgiving. A dark and malevolent fog bites at the sea shores, ominously seeking land. Fisherman hastily pack their tackle as the light from the lamp posts dims. It is not uncommon for fog to rear its head this time of year, but this night it feels different. No one speaks a word, yet they all seem to sense a foreboding presence. A presence guided not by a moral compass but by irrational anger. Its intentions are not clearly perceived, but one thing is for sure...Malkavia has an unwanted visitor this evening.

INTRO 2:

A lone drop of Aqua di Gio gently tapped the faux-marble bathroom floor. Eric rinsed his hands, satisfied with his application of the powerful scent around his neck. He despised spray cologne almost stubbornly. Once, Eric nearly beat a sales clerk to death for gesturing towards him with a spray sample bottle of an inferior fragrance. Eric's unyielding temper was well known within the clubbing circuit in Paris, yet occasionally there were those that tested its limits. Those even oblivious to the urban stories.

The sun had just set as orange light remained barely visible out over the city beyond the Seine. Eric had rented a room at the Hotel d'Albe in the Latin Quarter the previous night. It was modest at best, yet afforded a convenient setting for intimate relations with Chloe, a girl he met at La Scala discoteque. He decided to stay another night, hoping to lure a trio of vixens back later. He set his goals high. Les Bains Douches, his destination tonight, was very selective of those who entered the upper level. Eric had always avoided this club, afraid of rejection (and what he may do in its midst), but tonight he had an edge. Tonight Eric Renaultt had seen the true face of Satan and a deal had been born.

INTRO 3:

A rooster, a mattress salesmen, and a robot all converged at a country intersection...

INTRO 4:

(I will add more unless the comments section astronomically ascends with praise of these 3 so far, as it often does within this popular blog)

MAN vs. BEES part 2

OK, last night when I got home, there were a few stragglers in the basement. They seemed to be sleeping. They eerily hung from the pull cords for the basement lights. Only about 4 in all. I stopped for a moment to ponder their survival instincts...what made them hang on the strings of all places to rest for the evening? What had they done during the day? Then I quickly flamed them with the WD-40.

No more this morning, spackling still in place over the hole outside. We'll see how Nest 2 is doing this weekend when I have to mow again.

MAN vs. BEES

There are two separate bumble bee nests on my property at the moment. and when I say "bumble bee", I really mean "gigantic, black and yellow, furry stinging machines". Likely, I haven't actually been stung yet....yet. However at the rate things are going, there will inevitably be casualties on both sides of the war.

Let me begin with the saga thus far...

Nest One:

We own a brick house. But unfortunately, in order to have electrical power delivered to the inside of the house, there must be a hole drilled into the brick somewhere for the power cable to run in. The bees found this hole.

At first, I sprayed the opening here and there, mostly after witnessing a scout or worker bee entering or exiting. Getting frustrated at my lack of results in trying to dissuade the bees from prolonging their stay, I decided to unload a whole can of wasp and hornet spray directly into the hole. I then sat back and tried picking off the ones returning and hovering around, sensing something was wrong with there community entrance. This seemed to stop them at the time, but I was in for a longer, dirtier battle.

The next day much to my wife's dismay, it was discovered that the bees had found their way into our basement. About 50 or so lay littered about, dead on the floor and among our belongings. We cleaned this up...correction..I cleaned this up and had hoped it to be the end of their squatting. It wasn't.

I soon noticed in the days to come that bees still came and went through the hole in the house. I again hosed down the opening with another can of bee death. This time, no scattered carcasses in the basement. I was out of spray at this point, and still a few bees came here and there, so I waited until sun down. I then proceeded to spackle shut the opening once and for all. I had hoped that there were not that many remaining occupants, but feared those left would surely then find there way into the basement.

This morning I went down into the basement. When I rounded the corner and got close to the wall containing the hole, I heard the buzzing. About 10-15 estranged bumble bees flew around the ceiling. Oddly enough, most clung to a wooden wire clip on the ceiling. The others were fascinated by the light bulbs. Remember, I was out of bee killer at this point so I had to think quick. I left and soon came back with WD-40 and a lighter in my hands.

I took out the largest gathering first, the ones agitated and attacking the light bulb. One quick flame burst dropped them all to the floor, buzzing and writhing in pain. Then I moved on to the other pockets of bees. In about 10 minutes I was done. I ended by stepping on the buzzing ones on the floor. I then waited, silently listening for more buzzing. I heard none. We will see tonight if the war is over with this faction. Onto the nest group...

Nest Two:

A couple weeks ago, I was innocently mowing my lawn. Right about when I was finished, I was mowing the portion of my lawn near my driveway and the street. I don't know what made me turn around, but something did. Right where I had just walked over, bumble bees were shooting out of the ground like Old Faithful. Without thinking, I turned and pushed the lawn mower over the hole and took off. Unfortunately for me, the mower shuts off when you let go of the bar. Now I had to retrieve the mower amongst the angry warriors.

I waited a few minutes until they calmed down and quickly retrieved the mower. I finished up the mowing and went to get a can of bee spray (this story runs parallel to the other one, I still had some spray). I unloaded about half a can into the hole and took out any of the bastards angrily hovering around. Again, I was faced with disappointing results. The next weekend, I unloaded more spray into the hole. The grass around the hole was brown and dead. Still, I couldn't best my winged combatants. Then I got a good idea. I got the hose and stuck it in the hole. I then went to the house and turned it on. I let this run for about a half hour, watching as confused bees hovered around. The strange part is that no water washed up out of the hole. I figured at some point, the ground's ability to absorb the water would fall behind the current rushing in and there would be a satisfying overflow of water, signalling the complete flooding of their hole. I knew they had to be resilient enough for rain showers, but did not think their home could withstand the onslaught of a hose. No such water appeared.

There must be a cavern beneath my yard. I pulled the hose and to my dismay, only had seemed to hinder the bees for a short time as they merrily continued entering and exiting the hole. I then grabbed a 10 pound rock and smacked it down overtop the hole. Two bees were getting ready to exit and I took great pride in sealing them in. I am not dumb, I am sure they must have some other way out, given the assumed massive volume of their lair underneath. I also imagine they will dig around the rock perhaps as well.

This was yesterday. On my way to work this morning, I did not see any activity pulling out of my drive, but who knows. I will keep you updated as to future developments!

Unpowered

We got our power shut off today. I was laying in bed, ready to get up when the fan just went dead. A couple weeks ago, we had power outages for several days straight, lasting 1-8 hours or so each. I thought this was repeating. But then the doorbell rang. Having just awakened, I was not ready to answer the door. By the time I got to the window to see who it was, I saw a power company van pulling away.

It turns out that for the last six months we had been paying our bill for our previous account number. We had moved and never updated our online banking with the new account number.

You'd think that at some point in the last six months, we may have at LEAST gotten a letter to the effect of "Why are you still paying on this closed account?" Instead they merrily accepted the payment each month and accrued a growing balance on our current account.

It is all straightened out now, but what a damn inconvenience.

Blogger Q&A

Why choose one question to answer for your profile (very bottom when you edit your profile in here). I'll answer them all!

You have a red jar of cedar chips. Why do moths miss the forest?
This is irrelevant. The blind ghost crab is always in my glove compartment.

Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?
Who says I use silverware to begin with? If one must use tools to eat with, one could use plastic, wood, or aluminum.

Create a tagline for a new line of plastic bedsheets.
"When you wet the bed, you get to bathe in your own juices until you awaken!"

Why does the taste of pennies remind you of losing a tooth?
The taste of pennies only reminds me of the taste of pennies.

Your superpower is that you smell like dandelions whenever someone lies. How will you maintain your secret identity?
As long as no one lies near me, I should have no problem. Are you accusing my friends of lieng?????

The wicked backspin caught you off guard. How will you play it off without losing your footing?
I will summon the power of the ogre-beast. That alone will enable me to retort with a wonderful, back-antelope sidestep kick.

If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?
I would absorb the energy of Peadmont, the half-man goat warrior. My slumber would maintain through the loudest of supernovae.

Lionesses have no manes. How do they know when they've grown up?
They start exploring their feminine parts without feeling guilt.

The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig:
He got shot with a BB gun. The End.

You can whistle and steam can whistle, so why do you sing in the shower?
Because of the echo. It makes you sound better than you really do.

You're going to the moon! What did you forget to pack?
Most likely my metal detector. Probably lots of unclaimed watches and necklaces up there.

Please come up with a more appropriate name for the ringtoe:
The Majestic Closed Arc of Foot Extremities.

Please describe how you could take the peel off an apple all in one go:
With fire.

Why do you think honeydew is the money melon?
I did not know this. Must be from an inheritance or divorce.

If you were a cannibal, what would you wear to dinner?
I would be naked of course.

What's the most amount of sand you've ever had in your swimming trunks?
I never measured it specifically, but I would guess 3 cups.

Your hand has been replaced by a rubber stamp. What does it say?
HELP!

All of the phone numbers have fallen out of your address book. Whose number do you look for first and why?
If the virtual digits started falling out of my computer, I would have more things to worry about than losing the phone numbers.

Why don't you ever wear a scarf? It doesn't need to be cold outside for your neck to feel naked.
If I wore a scarf, I may miss an opportunity to be assaulted by a vampire.

If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying "poop deck"?
I would rename it to "diarrhea deck".

Describe the sound of a moist waffle falling onto a hot griddle.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

You're in the grocery store with a broken cart. How will you ever be that hungry?
I have never been to the grocery store and been unable to choose a different cart. The times that I go to the store are not the times when all carts are taken and you can't negotiate through the hordes of people.

In the dream where you show up to school naked, why do you never go swimming?
Because I was promptly escorted to the principal's office.

That can't really be a fish you're standing on, can it?
If it looks like a fish, then it probably is a fish.

When your science teacher smashed a frozen rose with a hammer, did you warm the petals to bring them back to life?
No, the hammer strike set me off on a rampage through the whole school. Violence begets violence.

What spells can you cast with magic markers?
The "you will soon regret passing out drunk with your shoes on" spell.

When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?
Only if the moon looks like a shapeless amoeba.

You've been entered in a shadow puppet contest. What's your best pose?
Playboy bunny.

When you've got water stuck in your ear, how do you get it out?
You have to lunge sideways really suddenly and super fast and the water should be caught off guard and maintain its geographic locale in mid air.

What reason do you have to believe the earth is flat?
Because my car doesn't roll away when I get out of it.

You laughed so hard you can't catch your breath. Stick out your tongue and show us what's funny:
I was told my raise this year would be substantial.

If mud is dirt plus water, what is clay?
Cooled lava.

You forgot your mom's birthday! What can you make out of super glue and olive pits?
A nice hat?

Try writing your name with your other hand. Where was that person raised?
The same place I was, except he was lied to a lot.

For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:
"Thank you for the very interesting breakfast rooster. It looks nice on our mantle."

Which do you prefer and why: whittling with soap or whistling with wood?
They have a name for these types of people, and it is "Satan".

This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?
----------
| |--
| | |
-O---------O-
(This looked wonderful before Blogger removed all the spacing. To hell with using the non-breaking-space HTML code)

Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?
I am totally lost on this one. If I had to pick something, I guess it would be oat bran.

What would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?
My naked, ginger-colored skin?

What would you name your ballet inspired by the sight of children leaping through a garden sprinkler?
"Fountain of Acid and Suffering"

You've got to make contact with the alien leader. How will you tell when the conversation is finished?
When they no longer respond to my voice, whether because of distance or indifference.

Try making up the rules to a game where you tie knots in a yo-yo string just to see if you can get them out:
It is called "Thanks Asshole". The rules will be simple, the yo-yo must not be your own. Each knot that is removed must be replaced with 3 more.

The squish of mud between your toes; how would you live your life as a frog?
My frog brain would lose all ability to describe life. I would survive and eat bugs.

Sponges and tongues are frequently misspelled. Is it because both are thirsty?
No it is because people are stupid and lazy. YOU are stupid and lazy and must be purged from.....ooops, sorry. Yeah, they must be thirsty.

You've rented a sky-writer to propose to your significant other, but it's completely overcast. What will you do?
Attach a cloud eraser on the back of the plane. He can erase the message into the sky.

You moved the pot before the coffee stopped brewing. Do you smell the mountains or the burro?
I would smell the coffee dripping onto the hot plate. The sizzling sounds of the drips would also incite rage and cause me to pummel myself through the floor into the basement where I would begin digging until I passed out. I would awaken and remember nothing.

Come up with some possible band names for your group that features a washboard and a styrofoam tuba.
"The Goobers" & "Toiletry Monkeys"

When you hesitate before hitting snooze on your alarm clock, are you being lazy?
No, you are fighting productivity.

Which is more important to you and why: flexibility or expandability?
In a woman? Definitely flexibility. :)

Your bow is not broken but you've run out of arrows. How can you fake being a bard?
Is this Dungeons and Dragons 2nd or 3rd Edition?

The hair from your last haircut ... what would it say about your new style?
Rockin dude!

Aren't papier mache cuts the worst?
Anyone feeble enough to get cut by paper mache is of no concern to me.

What's the earliest you've gotten up to watch cartoons and what did you see?
Probably 5:30 AM when I was little. After the US Farm Report, Underdog came on. There was also no need to fear.

How tall would you be if you had never cut your fingernails?
6'2" standing straight up, 5'10" slouching to the weight of my fingernails and lack of muscle by being prohibited from forming due to my poor choice of lifestyle.

What did you dream when you ate a spider while sleeping?
Goodbye, Charlotte!

Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?
This question makes me want to slap somebody.

Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of and what victory will it commemorate?
Who are you calling "my people"? HUH????? The statue would be of my foot standing on your neck, you racist bastard.

Why does the color blue mean raspberry-flavored?
I have no idea. Whoever marketed that did a disservice to us all.

Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?
They don't like to wear bike helmets and there are stiff laws for those in the underwater world.

You're trapped in a well with a goat and a slinky. Describe how you will escape.
I will distract the goat with the slinky long enough for him to fall into a trance. Then I will escape his evil hooved clutches with my climbing skills and leave him stranded.

The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?
This would have been around the time where I was fascinated by clear glass. I would say I was quite surprised.

What's the best time you've ever had licking stamps?
Probably the time I had finished counting my high school graduation money and was sending the thank you notes.

The love potion you made tastes terrible. How will you drink it?
Suck it up and DRINK ROMEO!

What was the stage name of your favorite actress before she was born?
Blue raspberry.

You're wearing a sweater that stretches down to your feet. What color belt do you put on?
Who needs a belt when you aren't wearing pants?

OK, that's enough. Do these go on forever? Even through multiple repeats when refreshing (in the Edit Profile screen for those of you who are lost), a new one would still pop up every now and then.

Man am I cynical! Oh well.

Superfrustration

I have been supervising close to two dozen people for about two and a half years now. I would say the following things are what bug me the most about this job:

1. When people are unreliable.

2. When people do not pay attention to detail.

3. When people do not care about their job.

The first group, unreliables, are people who do not seem to grasp the notion of a schedule. Unfortunately, the nature of our work requires a specific starting and end time. It is technical phone support. These people do not have flex-hours to negotiate forty hours somewhere within the confines of seven days. We have devised a highly intricate schedule to accommodate 24/7 coverage and maintain adequate staffing per shift based on call volumes. This is called "work", not "leisure time". If you want to collect a paycheck, please show up to work on time and do not leave early. Wandering around frequently while at work also places further strain on those who are trying to earn their money.

The second group, those who have a wind tunnel located directly between their ear drums, are workers who like to "cut corners". Their ticket documentation usually consists of vague, indecipherable gibberish. One three word sentence will often sum up a thirty minute phone support call. These are also the type of people who routinely have to be reminded of procedure. It may sound as trivial as including a cover sheet on their TPS reports (watch Office Space for those who do not get this one), but there is usually a good reason behind each procedure. When you have to get two dozen people to consistently operate within a loose set of standards, you always have those that cannot keep the ball in bounds. It is understandable that people will forget things, or mess up, I have no problem with this. It is when the same people need weekly, sometimes daily reminders about the same issue, you begin to wonder as to their mental capacity. Or, they may also be drifting into our third category...

People who just plain don't give a shit. These are usually the type of people who have the potential to be star performers, but for whatever reason have given up on being productive. Most are disgruntled and would jump at the chance for a new position. They usually do the bare minimum, attempting to slip just under the radar to avoid notice. They also fit well into the above two categories, which is also why they often CANNOT get a new position, at least within the company. These individuals are usually the ones who seem to complain the most, aiding in lowering morale among their more eager peers.

It is a frustrating dilemma. If we could just reduce the amount of behavior that falls into the above three categories, we could probably spend more time fixing what makes people slump to begin with. More time and energy is spent trying to correct these types of issues, that we are unable to concentrate on more productive directions for our group. This may sound like an excuse, who knows. All I know is that it is very perplexing how some people can take no pride in their work or themselves. The ones who evade this type of behavior have almost unlimited potential to progress. Your career is what you make of it. The worst thing you can do is give up and become an administrative headache for those who manage you.

Magic Wallet

Let's say you are given a "magic wallet". You have to make a decision from the following choices and can never change your mine.

Choice 1: Every hour, a $10 bill will appear in the magic wallet. A new $10 bill will only appear if the previous one has been removed. If removed regularly, the bills will appear at a set interval of one hour. If a bill is not removed before the next scheduled appearance of a new bill, a new bill will not appear until one hour after the current one is removed, thus resetting the interval as well.

Choice 2: Every 24 hours, a $100 bill will appear in the magic wallet. The same rules apply based on this 24 hour interval.

Will you choose the $10 bill, with the potential payout of $240 a day? Or the $100 bill which will yield only $100 a day? The $10 bill requires removal once an hour to get $240 a day, while you only need to remove the $100 bill once a day.

Most people I have presented this with have opted for the $100 bill, since it requires far less attention. However consider this: In one year, you can only make $36,500 from the $100 bill choice. With the $10 bill choice, you have the potential of making $87,600 in a year (yet you would get no sleep)....quite a difference!

Think about it.

Big Dog, Little Dog

I am at home right now, feels strange to be posting from here. I guess I mostly post at work, though a lot of my posts have nothing to do with actual work, or my working environment. Anyway, I am looking out my front window at the house across the street. The have a corner lot. The way the street at the end of ours angles, even though our driveways line up, we still have a couple houses on our side towards the corner. Are the visuals helping?

I think three people live there, a mom, dad, and seemingly old son (maybe too old to be living with mom and dad?). Well the mom, we'll call her "June", is always outside working around the yard. She mows, she washes cars, she trims bushes....I just saw her with a drill in her hand walking down the sidewalk (no idea). The husband, "Frank", makes an appearance every now and then, but it is rare to see him lift a finger. Sometimes he sits on their stoop and watches June work. Now Frank is seldom seen without his 1980's style headphones...the ones with the built in AM/FM radio mounted to the ear pieces. Frank likes to dance in his driveway at times too. I'm not sure if he is line dancing or what, but something's just not right with this picture. Frank also sports a very beautiful, curly mullet. He gets picked up to go to "work" (I assume), and never drives. This leads to endless speculation, but I will leave that for another day.

The son, "Scott", seems to be in his late 20's, occasionally has some friends over, sometimes sporting instrument cases of some sort.

They have two dogs, "Big Dog" and "Little Dog". Big Dog is a Doberman. He likes to be outside and runs the interior of their picket fence tirelessly. Little Dog, a small....mutt?...does his business and then sits on the stoop and barks until let inside.

One time this little girl on a bike was taunting Big Dog and Little Dog through the fence. The barking seemed to last 15 minutes at least. I was washing my truck up by my garage and finally yelled an anonymous "Hey!" hoping the girl would leave. Nope. And the son was home alone...or at least sans parents. I think he had a girl over and was "preoccupied" and didn't investigate the barking. Either that or he is reclusivley scared of the neighborhood kids.

Technical difficulties have caused me to lose the rest of what I had written. Must not have been too important, I can't remember what it may have been. Oh well, bottom line is that the family across the street is strange. But then again, to the outside observer, we all probably look pretty strange.

I'm Not Lazy

Hey out there in cyberland. What's happening? Not much here, just waiting to get off work for the weekend. I have our group pager (rotated weekly between the manager and us supervisors for emergency issues), wasn't supposed to get it until Monday. My manager is going camping and turned it over to me early. Now I have to lug the archaic piece of plastic and circuitry around for the next 10 days. Oh well, our group doesn't need to call the number much anyway in the off hours. And if they do, I get paid overtime. If I get woke up at 8AM (that would be like the normal person getting woke up at 3AM since I work different hours*), I will charge 30 minutes OT even if the issue only takes me 5 minutes to address. You keep me on the phone 15-20 minutes, that's 1 hour OT I am charging, by the time I am able to relax and fall back asleep. BRING IT ON!

Sorry, I go off on rants sometimes. But getting to my asterisk...

*I am not lazy. I get 6-7 hours at the most sleep every night. I get home from work right before midnight, I am not able to just go get in bed just to wake up early in the morning. I am the type of person that needs this cycle: Wake up, go to work, come home, freetime, go to bed. My freetime happens to be during the WAY early hours of the AM. I cannot stand people who try and give me a hard time for sleeping until noon. It is not like I get home from work and just go hit the bed for 12 hours. You better BACK off on this one. I am in no mood. It also sucks to get up early, start getting into some project and then BAM, time to go to work. Getting into a project after work, I am able to say "I don't feel like quitting now, I can survive with an hour or two less sleep tonight to finish." But when I have to go to work, there is no, "I guess I'll be an hour or two late to work so I can finish this project." NO WAY! So you can stick your "hey lazy sleeping in until noon" comment right up your ass. Let me show you how someone gets work done. Bastard. Now you've pissed me off, I am going now.

P.S. And no I will not split up my only available free time during the week even further by taking a couple hours before and after work. Life is too short to work away for someone else (one day I will be my own boss but it isn't now), so splitting my time up is not an acceptable answer. I think I'll go set the lake on fire now.

Meat Bucket

I left the meat bucket outside last night without taking the usual precautions. Sometimes I feel adventurous and daring. I was awakened around 5:50 AM this morning to the howls of the twin sister raccoons, Vinegar and Cobra making a ruckus. It had nothing to do with the meat bucket, in fact this entire post is a lie. But let me continue this much by saying...better yet spraying, the fact that I hate white porcelain. Who made the extreme judgement call that all urinals have to be white porcelain?

How ya doin?

I've been thinking about changing my default "How ya doin?" response. Usually, without thinking, I either say "Alright" or "Pretty good". Lately I have thought this sounds kind of plain. Sounds like I don't have much happiness in my life. I might start saying "Good, thanks". It will take a while to convert to this on a subconscious level.

Keep in mind, this topic applies to random people you pass at work, out shopping, in a bar. Different response rules apply to closer friends or family. When the average person on the street asks "How ya doin?", it is more like a pleasantry. They don't want to hear about how you had no sleep last night and your bowel movements are not very consistent. They are asking in the equivalent manner of saying "What's up", "How's it goin?", or "Hello".

This is why a blanket response is necessary. Call it insincere, but when I pass someone in a public place, or see a co-worker at work and say "How's it goin?", I don't want to hear their personal problems. Ultimately, I don't really want to know the answer to my question. The people that freely share their personal life's events with people they don't know terribly well makes me uncomfortable. As if I am supposed to offer up a piece of my life in exchange. There is no exchange, I was just being polite.

I feel myself going off in another direction now, so I'll leave it at this. The next time you see me and say "How's it goin?", I most likely will respond with "Good, thanks."

Broken Links

Ok everyone, you can get back to your normally scheduled lives. I have removed and/or fixed the broken image links on this page. I may (at a later date) add the pictures back in that were removed. Some images were rehosted. Carry on now.

Drawing a Blank

I am drawing a blank. No reason to post anything interesting right now, so I will ramble. I hate adjustable columns in certain programs that do not retain their settings when you go back in. Am I just anal that I have to have these columns of information adjusted a certain way? Every other damn thing in this program is sticky (i.e. remembers the last settings), except for the damn columns. I have to continually readjust these column widths every time I refresh. I work in an office with no windows. 5 years ago, I had a room downstairs with windows overlooking Lake Erie in downtown Cleveland. Then they bought the floor above and remodeled it for our department. Hey, you think, uhh....YOU FORGOT THE FUCKING WINDOWS?? They successfully constructed a large interior room with dozens of cubicles. Welcome to your new home, jackass. I thought about framing a scene of some beach or mountains or something...but then again, I should just set the place on fire. I kid, I kid...sorta.

Alive

Yeah, I am still alive. I might even fix some of the broken image links on here pretty soon. Trust me, the pictures still exist in their original locations, there is just currently no electrical power enabling them to be seen from their dormant hard drive. We bought a house and moved, haven't got my webserver back up yet. Actually it is up, but now being used in my wife's sewing room/office. She doesn't like to keep it on though, she thinks the fans within it are too loud. I think my cats are behind this betrayal of image availability (referring to my broken image links). I leave work soon. I worked 11.5 hours today. I'm not bragging, just stating a rarity that may bring recollection to this day when I read this post in a month. Ok, bye.

Lapsed

I seem to have lapsed into an extended period of undocumented time. Hopefully now you all can exhale as this post should provide some proof that I am still alive.

Not so proud

Well, Bush won the election, much to my disappointment. I am very surprised at his victory in the aftermath of what seemed to me at least, to be a very unpopular presidency. I guess every conservative, close-minded religious fanatic came out of the woodwork all over the south and midwest and voted. My home state of Ohio, suffering from education and employment woes surprised and disappointed me the most.

Excuse me for sounding bitter, but I just don't relate to those who preach their so-called "moral values" and condemn scientific advancement and diverse cultural differences. It seems to me that the majority of the people in this country are comfortable being buffered within our large country from realizing any sense of international identity. I can't relate to all of the poor, overly religious, self-centered, intolerant rednecks and hillbillies out there who helped a wealthy Republican attain a second term. People who are so afraid of opening their eyes to the rest of this world and get off on hearing how we stomp all over this globe at will with no regards to the wishes of the UN.

Wake up people! We are not the superheros of this planet, imposing our moral and religious beliefs on the rest of the world through intolerance and force. We have to learn that this world will never be completely at peace until everyone can accept that we are all different. No one is right or wrong here, we are no better than anyone else who values peace and goodwill towards others.

For the first time I can honestly say I am not so proud to be an American. I don't feel like my major values and beliefs are being represented properly. How about less "God Bless America" and more "God Bless Earth". This is a big planet and every country should work together to make it a better place. Our environment is quickly going downhill, and so is our international image. Get off the bandwagon, you sheep, and open your eyes. Use some critical thinking for once instead of believing all the crap you see and hear on TV. Stick your head out of your trailer and look further than the weed infested tractor tire "planter" next to the rust bucket truck on bricks in your front yard.

TECHNOLOGY, ADVANCEMENT, SCIENCE, IMPROVEMENT, TOLERANCE (besides yourself)!

Please Stop

This message is for Lindsey Lohan (Yeah you, Lindsey...psycho stalker!) Please stop looking in my windows at night, you are scaring my cats. I am married as you well know, there is no future for us! If you don't stop going through our garbage, I will have to go through with the restraining order. And stop calling the office, you are going to get me fired. I never should have led you on by shaking your hand that first time we met. I apologize for this, I am sure you fill find the right man some day.

The Dukes of Hazzard Drinking Game

After watching the first 4 episodes of the Dukes of Hazzard Season One (Netflix rules), my wife and I came up with the Dukes of Hazzard Drinking Game.



Any time someone says one of the following words/phrases, take a drink!

"Moonshine"
Car chase banter (dubbed in humorous exchanges between Bo and Luke while being chased by the law).
A "Yeehaw" call (usually dubbed in somewhere during a fight or car chase).
Refrence to "Atlanta".
"Uncle Jesse....he's the patriarch."
"Bo and Luke Duke....they fight the system."
General Lee's "Dixie horn".

Any time you see one of the following, take two drinks (including the opening or closing credits)!

A police chase.
An airborne car.
A rolled over car.
A bow and arrow being shot.
Luke sliding over the hood of the General Lee.
Boss Hogg falling down.

Any time you see one of the following, down the rest of your drink!

Luke driving the General Lee.
Luke hooking up with a girl.

Feel free to share your own comments or experiences about this!

ENJOY!

Climbing

I climbed a pyramid today. When I got to the top, I slid down all five sides at once. It was surreal. It almost reminded me of the time I dug a hole in my basement. Not really, but it should have. At once I was alerted to the fact that my bus pass was expired. It took nearly ten minutes before I realized I didn't even have a proper hat to wear. It was actually the crumbling noises that kept me up that night. They should really do something about that cave, it makes people uncomfortable. I am definitely NOT going to attend the funeral. I didn't even know the guy before five years ago. Besides, I am still trying to get down from the roof.

Bored

Today is a boring Sunday.

Now Hiring?

We had to interview someone today. I hate doing interviews. On one level, I feel bad for these people who are looking for work and want to be empathetic, but on another level, hate having one hour to try and decide if you want to invest time and training into this person based on how they "sell" themselves.

I am surprised at some things after sitting on this side of the interview table. I always thought it was understood that when interviewing with a company, you basically tell them what they want to hear (being able to back up any claims about skills or abilities is always a plus) and exhibit enthusiasm and eagerness for the company and position desired.

The guy we interviewed today was very pleasant, but we wondered if he was going to fall asleep during the interview. He seemed not to have thought out answers to any questions we asked him beforehand (I mean come on, you have to contemplate what you might be asked in an interview and prepare yourself) and was very vague about the answers he did provide us. He just basically seemed bored.

Other recent interviews ranged from people making it clear that they had bigger and better plans than working on a Help Desk (which is understandable yet a little premature at this juncture), people who can't understand why a previous boss had a problem with their constant tardiness or wouldn't let them work from home (I myself did not have the pleasure of sitting in on this one), and people who basically answered our questions to the tune of not knowing much about anything we support (these people are sent to us from a consulting agency that is supposedly screening them beforehand mind you).

It just seems to me that a) most people are not as clever or resourceful as I had imagined, and b) most of the people we interview would be better suited (and more qualified) for network or system administration than 1st level phone support. Where are all the people out there who are at the beginning of their IT career looking for a way into a company on the ground floor? We seem to be getting over-qualified individuals who will obviously leave this position the first chance they get at a better one that they are more qualified for to begin with. And this has happened.

BOO!

I love scaring people....you know, startling some innocent fool. Anyway, I walked out of the building I work at tonight and waited around the entrance/exit for the parking garage under the building (I hadn't parked there myself this evening). I knew Andre would be pulling out soon since we parted ways in the hallway when he went down the elevator to the garage.

So I am standing there trying not to look conspicuous along the wall that blocked me from the garage entrance/exit, waiting for the annoying buzzer sound that alerts potential pedestrain casualties that someone is pulling out. He soon pulled out and stopped before entering the road so I ran up and started pounding on his passenger window. Then I chuckled at the look of surprise on his face and continued walking to my own car nearby (despite what Andre will tell you about the endless trek, it is only a half mile walk).

As I walked away, I thought to myself. Self, what if he would have gotten so startled that he gunned it into the street without checking to be sure it was clear (which it wasn't by the way)? I probably would have felt bad about that one.

Coke or Pepsi?

This evening, while eating dinner here at work with a friend and co-worker, Dragan, we started talking about the differences in the tastes of Coke and Pepsi. We were both drinking Coke at the time, so I decided to go get a can of each from the pop machine and some cups....I am sure you know where this is going.

Anyway, after conducting a few blind taste tests between us and a couple other people here at work, Andre and Dave, we were met with mixed results. At times each of us were right in our guesses and at other times we were wrong. Then Dragan suggested a startling theory. He noticed that when we drank the Pepsi first, then the Coke, we could tell the difference more times than not. But when we drank the Coke before the Pepsi, they tasted more similar. We further guessed that the Coke had a stronger caramel flavor that may be sticking in our mouths and thus masking the Pepsi's flavor, making it harder to differentiate. We then tested this some more, but one person here in particular, Dave, always guessed correctly. We figure this theory works on roughly 4 out of 5 people (I rounded up since it was 3 out of 4 for us).

Test this yourself and leave comments here with your findings! By no means cancel any plans of going out dancing or shopping at the mall for this experiment...just give it a try next time the conditions are conducive for a blind taste test. Please don't cancel any doctor's appointments or vacations on account of this, unless you need a good excuse to get out of something.

Espresso Anyone?

I am at work right now. Probably going to go make a triple espresso pretty soon. Not that I really feel like I need a wake-up, more like a ritual...something to look forward to during the day here. We have this Flavia machine here that you put little packets of coffee into and it fills your cup.

Well, I am not much of a coffee drinker. Regular coffee tastes like water to me. I think this started one time when I worked 3rd shift to cover someone's vacation. I really did need a wake-up. So I went in and found the strongest flavor of coffee there was, a level 5 (out of 5) called French Roast. I found that using the espresso setting (which seemed just to use less water), I could fit 3 of those suckers in my coffee mug.

Speaking of my coffee mug, it is slightly larger than your every day coffee mug and does not fit in the cup slot on the Flavia machine. I had to think on my feet for this one....I discovered that if I removed the grate at the bottom of the slot (where the dripping water drains), it created an extra inch or so of space. This was just enough room to get my mug in there. I always had a pretty keen mind for understanding physics.



Anyway, I could fit 3 espresso cycles in my mug. I am pretty used to the taste of coffee now, but at the time it was less than inviting. I loaded 7 packets of sugars and 5 creamers in there too. WOW what a jolt! (I still use this same recipe)

So I will probably, out of ritual mind you, go and make one of my triple espresso's pretty soon. It's either that or strip naked and run around the workplace slapping people on the backs of their heads until someone tackles and cuffs my ass. At least with making the triple espresso, I can still show my face around here afterwards.

Open Forum

Post some comments here, consider this entire weblog an open forum. Let me know what you think.

Defogged

Just bought a fog machine today for no real reason other than it sounded cool to have one. Got it home and hooked it all up, filled it with the fog liquid. It doesn't work. Now my plans of foggy fun and shenanigans for this evening are ruined. Have to return it tomorrow. Pain in the ass.

Desensitization

As a kid growing up in the 70's, I longed for the future's arrival. I was excited to see what new inventions, technologies, and ideas would arise. Times seemed simpler back then. I'm not sure if the world itself was any safer, but you didn't hear about every depressing detail about atrocities and suffering as much as we seem to today.

Today is the future from my 70's childhood. Personally, I think the media is out of control. Yes, it is sad that [insert number here] people were killed in [insert some country I will never see here] as I slept last night. I believe it is one thing to be informed, but the media is slowly and surely desensitizing us to world events. It's not that I disagree with knowledge sharing, however I feel that the media focuses too heavily on the sadness in this world, and not the happiness. From the world news to the national news, all the way down to the local news, all you hear about is suffering and sadness.

As I think back to my innocent childhood, the childhood where I couldn't wait to see what the new millennium had in store for me....I think I'd trade the new millennium and all its technology for a trip back to the 70's with my baseball mitt and a bat. I'm not saying I want to be an ostrich with my head buried in the sand, but a little less disturbing news coverage of the world 24/7 couldn't hurt.

One final note: I do enjoy learning and growing mentally as a person. I just think the media is doing a disservice to our culture along with extreme, in-your-face advertising of products and medicines, attempting to conform us all into all-consuming goats, wide-eyed and comatose, staring into a TV or computer screen watching our health and happiness deteriorate as we are brainwashed into thinking we need to ask out doctor about some new drug we don't even know what it is for. Yes, this outlook is a little bleak, and I probably don't necessarily think this to some degree. This is more like me venting....as I sit here staring into the computer screen looking at the words I type...... baaaaahh.

Hacking Nature

Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. I really enjoy the Fall as well, but I'm torn. Summer is short enough in Ohio and the Winters last way too long. This is why my love for Halloween and Fall is short-lived, knowing that Winter is right around the corner.

Perhaps I could break the code of nature and reprogram a few things. First of all, I would extend Summer by bumping it up a little in the Spring. Spring can last a month at most, let's say in February. Because face it: everything after Christmas and New Years is a waste anyway as far as Winter goes. So February can kick off the Spring season. Then in March, Summer rides in. In October, Fall can start. Fall should go all the way through January (yes I left out Winter....this was intentional).

Well, time to start learning how to hack nature!

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to my weblog. I hope you enjoy your stay, feel free to share your comments. CKE